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(no subject) [Mar. 4th, 2009|01:18 am]
I need to have more Dionysian attitude.
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(no subject) [Feb. 14th, 2009|03:55 pm]
sitting in bed with my kitten just makes me feel so sleepy and peaceful and happy.
i have to get dressed and go to school and print out my portfolio pictures and meet with dan and go to dinner and be dressed up for him/valentines day.
but for now, i am naked in bed, next to my cat who is so high maintenance i had to buy her organic wheat grass today. but i luh her, she my baby.
i am looking forward to the next two years of my life.
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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2009|12:15 am]


1. strict observance of promises, duties, etc.: a servant's fidelity.
2. loyalty: fidelity to one's country.
3. conjugal faithfulness.
4. adherence to fact or detail.
5. accuracy; exactness: The speech was transcribed with great fidelity.
6. Audio, Video. the degree of accuracy with which sound or images are recorded or reproduced.

I don't get it.

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People that I am obsessed with [Jan. 26th, 2009|07:40 pm]
And don't want to forget about.

Paloma Varga Weisz

Helen Frankenthaler

Louise Bourgeois

Charles Long

Robert Longo

More to come!

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(no subject) [Dec. 25th, 2008|11:49 pm]
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lists [Dec. 15th, 2008|11:35 am]
Winter break is almost here, I am making lists of things to do!
Things still needing to be done this week!:
-Get all images from Melissa
-Write CSR report
-Pick up Dan's package at the post office
-Clean house for Mom & Dad
-Go to Crit tonight and Friday
(Really, this is a phenomenal way to end a semester)

Things (that I want to)do over break:
-Make a "Young Adult" picture book
-Make a puppet!
-Get my license?
-Go to Philly
-Travel with my retarded cat
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.... [Dec. 3rd, 2008|12:34 am]
There is a cat outside and I can hear it so loudly from the fourth floor. As silly as it sounds, I feel so emotionally aligned with this pitiful sound. Nothing makes sense, nothing feels good, nothing is working. I don't know if it's seasonal depression or just me being a shitty unintelligent person who can't time manage, but I feel horrible.
It also doesn't help that I have IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME. Nothing feels shittier than feeling shitty.
I've been drinking.
If I made this friends only, what would be the point? The audience I write to (when I can actually get myself to stop being self critical and put words out) is entirely fictitious. I think this is another tool I am utilizing to make sure that nothing has any relevance.

I don't care who can read me bitch, it wouldn't change any opinions.

Final statement of fact: I spend a lot of time wishing I was half as happy as everyone I encounter.
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2008|02:24 pm]
I write letters to my past when I stand in the shower, and relief is a rarity in my life. I am comfortable and happy in the web in the nest in the womb of all the relationships I have created and that have been created around me. I am really really searching and my ferocity has not gone unnoticed. I am unconcerned, I am overly compassionate. I have no resting point which is why I always need to rest, which is why I seem so sluggish, which is why I am so far away. The points of me that attract are really points, I feel, in a cactus sense, that should instead, repel. I am perplexed. Who are all you people?

And all I keep doing is make overtly sexual art and focus on child development in my academics. Is there something wrong? I would have to say yes. Where is my guru? Where is my psychic counsel? It's sad that I find it in all places, in the eyes of the mother of my sexual partner. Oh boy, these patterns are are so blindingly obvious. HELP HELP HELP!

I need to OWN myself more.
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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2008|10:26 pm]
The memorial for Seraphin was tonight. In my big, yellow, tacky America Reads t-shirt and white gloves, I took the role of an usher, but ended up crying through the whole thing anyway.
He was someone I really would have wanted to know more. His kindness was incredible, his optimism was contagious. He was just so beautiful and full of life and energy, I cannot believe he is gone. So many people spoke, and I still feel like I have things to say. Everything I do, from now on, especially in working with children and the arts, is going to be driven by his memory. The people from RUSH spoke about his commitment to their Saturday program, and then I thought, "Wait, Seraphin worked for America Reads on Saturdays too." I will never go to America Reads or Saturday Art School grudgingly, and I absolutely will go to both, on Saturday. What else could I possibly do, knowing that.
There were a few scenes in the video montage tonight that made me gasp and cry, and so many that made me laugh and smile. There was a scene of both of our faces, up close, bugging our eyes at the camera sarcastically. Of course, I cried, because it was a documentation of the small amount of time I spent with him. But then I noticed the silly plastic bowler hat I was wearing, and of course, his smile, and I couldn't help but think that as much as it hurt, I really can feel grateful and blessed by his smile alone.
I've never been religious, and probably will never be, but Seraphin, named after an angel, is truly my angel, and will continue to be so. He stands, in my mind, for kindness, sincerity, committment, optimism through adversity, courage, and hope. With a child's face and many wings, I will always remember his spirit.
I love you, all.
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ugh. [Aug. 29th, 2008|03:51 pm]
I get so angry on days like today. It is rainy. I was going to have a party. I made capponata and sangria. There is a party in New Paltz and either I bring my silly appetizers and such to it or I sit alone. I stayed an extra day for this shit! I could see so many more people and have a way better party NOT in this silly town.
Okay, I am done with my bitterness. I guess I won't have to clean up. Poop butt.
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